a little and a lot

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Confessional

I feel like Usher: "This is my confession..."
(The similarities pretty much end there...)

So here it is: I feel like the most self-absorbed person on the planet. For some reason, "life with Rhet" consumes all of my thoughts these days. Worrying that I won't have what it takes. Excitement about the adventure ahead of us. Nesting, nesting, and more nesting--making sure we are "prepared," whatever that means!

Friends call, I think fondly about calling them back, and I go about my business.
Friends email, I imagine my response in my head, and the email slips to the bottom of the inbox.

And in the meantime: obsessing, day-dreaming, worrying about "Life."
What in the world? Is this some kind of pre-motherhood phase???

To my real-life-buddies: Please please forgive me for my absent-minded egocentrism! Hopefully I'll recover soon?

Let's all take a deep breath and remember: it's February. We all know the gigantic dislike I have for this current month. But there's another layer this year. One moment I'm blissfully staring at Rhet's picture, imagining us rocking in her glider. The very next moment, I feel overwhelmed by the sheer terror of the expense of children's necessities. Then I feel jealous that others have court dates while we're still waiting. Then I feel panic that everything is about to change and I'm not taking advantage of the wait to appreciate my current stage of life that is slipping away.

Looming in my thoughts is a Large Worry: What if I lose my identity to mommyhood? How can I spend my entire day devoting myself to caring for the needs of the cutest girl on the planet and expect to retain any aspect of my former self?

Fear of The Unknown is living large in me right now. In the background, things are not perfect in our preparations. There are snags and glitches and things to think through. I busy myself with anything I can control--assembling the high chair, figuring out the cloth diapering system, doing hours of internet research on the best diaper bags.

I know blogs are supposed to show the shiny side of life. And this one does on many occasions. But things are feeling a little Februaryish around here lately, and I can't help but wonder if anyone else has experienced the euphoric dread of impending parenthood?

Friends who have been there: What are the most important things to be doing, thinking before Little Girl comes toddling into this house? What is happening to me? How did you/do you handle the overwhelming parts of preparing for parenthood?

Even Katie Couric has sought some wisdom for me. After she asked for parenting questions last week on Twitter for an upcoming interview, I tweeted the Big Worry. Check out the outcome here. (Thanks, Katie--you've always been there for me. I miss you on Today.)

3 comments:

The Strahan Family said...

Someone just recommend I read the book "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. It is great and deals with some of the stuff you are thinking/struggling with and so much more!
It is evident from your life (and your blog!) that you will be a fabulous mom! He is going to provide you with EVERYTHING you need!

Katie said...

Jesse, do not worry! It will all fall into place. I never babysat, or watched kids...especially those with diapers. I was scared to death. I read books, and books, and more books. I researched everything under the sun. It all went out the window as soon as Benjamin was born. You can't predict anything and every day is new. One minute he likes swaddling, one day he doesn't. One day he likes this toy, the next day it makes him cry. You just learn to adapt. You will be great, and all your feelings are normal. The best advice... Enjoy every minute you have before she's here. And once she's here, enjoy every moment! It goes so fast!

Teague said...

It is good that you are mourning it a little now and that you and nick have been able to take your recent trips together to celebrate your life without kids. When my boys came home with us I sat at the dinner table and shed tears over dinner over my lost "young married without kids" life. Robert reminded me that this is what we wanted to do and WHY and I recovered. My advice is take it slow when she gets home, I wish that I would have/could have taken it slower and lived life simpler. That way the unexpected woes don't team up with the every day ones and knock you out, like they did me...if that makes any sense.


Adopting Rhet: Click on the timeline above to read more