a little and a lot

Friday, November 05, 2010

The View Up There

Do you want to know the plain, ugly truth?
I am hiding.

I am hiding from people like my hair stylist, whom I told I would have a picture of my child to show her in the spring. But I didn't. But I told her to wait until the summer. S0 she did, but I still didn't. But it will TOTALLY be by the fall. But it wasn't. And I let my highlights grow out to an embarrassing length just to keep from going in empty-handed. But I did anyways.

I am hiding from people like curious new acquaintances, who don't have to delve very far into my life before I offer the information that my husband and I are adopting our first child. Along with the (gratifying) excitement, comes the barrage of all-too-predictable questions: From where? How did you decide that? Ok, so I hope you don't mind my asking, but how does it all work...? Oh my goodness, why has it taken so long?? When will you find out???

Heck if I know, stranger.

I am even hiding from my friends. Because "Any news?" is like poison poured into my ears.

I am considering carrying around one of those life-like baby dolls. Just swaddle it up and stick it in a Baby Bjorn and say "Yes, there is news! This is our baby! Shhhhhhh...it's sleeping!"

(Saying "it" would be the tip-off, wouldn't it?)

I know I'm being dramatic, but:
1) What did you expect? Um, do you know me at all?
2) Some days the wait just feels dramatically difficult...

In other words, some days it is a "wait," and other days...it is a "weight."

Psalm 61:2 has lifted my soul this week.
"From the ends of the earth, I call to You,
I call as my heart grows faint;
Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."

I like this verse. I've always read it and thought about how God is our Rock. And God is higher/loftier/holier than I am. He knows best. His ways are higher and better.

Which is true. But I thought about something else this week.

There's this place that I really like in Little Rock. I haven't been there very often, but it is memorable to me. Pinnacle Mountain is this big ole' steep hill/mountain that you can climb to the tippy top. It is a steep hike that makes you tired. First you climb up through beautiful forrest scenery. Then it gets a little rockier and more difficult. And then you're at the peak, and you can see... everything.

All of these feelings rush into you. The view is breathtaking. The feeling of accomplishment after a wearying hike is rewarding. You feel so high above everything.

And that is what I felt this week as I pictured my soul calling out to God as it grows faint. "Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I!" The thought that I can climb way up into His arms and gain perspective on my world. I can see the view from up there. That is what I long for today.

It makes answering well-intentioned questions seem less painful and more...well-intentioned.
It makes weeks that turn into months that turn into seasons look soooo tiny down there.
It makes "the future" feel a little closer and my life feel less about "me."

And when I've climbed on down and jumped back into my life this week, I've found that hiding is okay sometimes, too. After all, God is not just a Rock...
"Trust in Him at all times , O people;
pour out your hearts to Him,
for God is our Refuge."
(Psalm 62:8)

Morals of this story:
1. If you learn something about someone and feel curious about details, "Wow, I'd love to hear more about that sometime!" is probably a more gracious way of finding out more.
(I would love to tell anyone about adoption and how it works...but not...right now.)

2. Do not ask someone that is wondering how much longer they can wait how much longer they will have to wait.
(My favorite phrase from friends right now is "I'm not asking, because I figure there's nothing to tell!" with an immediate change of subject.)

3. If you find yourself at the end of your bitter rope, better get to climbin' or hidin'!
(I recommend both.)


Jane said...

I sure can't imagine what this must be like, but it is very enlightening to read about it through you!

And wow, what a verse. I guess it isn't surprising that it makes me think of running and all the challenges that come with it. I know that feeling of getting to the top and seeing that view...and how perspectives begin to shift and move, so that you feel different once you've come down again.

Great post, my friend. And my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you during your weighty wait. ;)

Jennifer said...

Wow.. I feel for you. It also makes me second guess my plans to tell people this Tuesday. I have kept my mouth shut for so long that I feel like it is time to say something. Even friends I play tennis with have no idea because I couldn't deal with the questioning... Last weekend I had loaded up a car of bibs, diaper pail, rattle, etc and thought OMG what if I run into someone at Target?!

I am waiting on a court date, and I still don't want to say anything. ugh. It is tough. I am glad I chose not to tell anyone until now. I would go nuts.... However, now with a photo, it is so tough to keep my mouth shut.... :-(

I will say I keep checking your blog faithfully. I know you are going to get that referral!

Leslie said...

I'm so glad you commented on my blog today because it reminded me that I STILL had not hopped over to yours yet! Thanks for your vulnerability in this post...praying that the wait feels less of a weight today :)

janes said...

Appreciate your honesty, know it must be trying. Know you're far along in the process, but thought I'd share a story we ran recently on embryo adoption.


Larissa Smith said...

I like Psalm 33, esp. verses 20-22. "We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you."

I like that last line "even as we put our hope in you". It seems to me that this is in process, the writer isn't stating confidently "BECAUSE we put our hope in you", but asking God's blessing and consistency in being God (help, shield, trust, love) WHILE the writer is in the process of handing himself over to God. It encourages me that God meets us where we are, even as we are striving for what he would have us achieve, but have yet to actually reach.

No well intentioned questions or platitudes. Still praying and still excited for you.

Jennifer said...

I am still checking daily and hoping you get a referral soon. I can't wait to see your referral post! Hang in there. Happy holidays. :-)

Adopting Rhet: Click on the timeline above to read more